This is an ongoing debate for the single set that probably won't end any time soon. We recently came across a blog post on this issue and it prompted us to write our own response. Luckily for you, we think we have it figured out. We’ll make it really simple:
LET THE DUDE PAY
It is in a man’s nature to enjoy the whole pursue and conquer thing. They like to woo you and eventually win you over. Having scored a date with your fabulousness, most men will also expect to pay for the date unless they are not that interested in you, or they are cheap. This has nothing to do with how much money you have or how you can support yourself, it is about basic pursue and conquer and making sure he realizes you know your worth.
The moment you whip out your wallet you risk sending the following messages:
I don’t think you can afford me.
I always pay my own way so if you’re cheap, I’m your lady!
You are the only date I’ve had recently and I don’t want you to feel obligated to pay for me. (i.e I don’t value myself that much)
It also automatically takes the romance out of the moment and makes the whole date feel very plutonic when either of you goes, “ok, so your half is $42.76…”
Having dated both men who pay and cheapskates who split the bill, or worse, made us pay for the whole thing, we’ve learned a few valuable lessons about this. Without fail, any guy that didn’t pay turned out to be a cheapskate to the core. On a second date, one guy invited me over to dinner, then proceeded to ask me to pay for 50% of the grocery bill. (!!!) And he was a Dentist. Imagine marrying that guy? “Honey, out of the 10 toilet paper rolls I bought this month, you used 6 of them so you owe me approximately…”
If he can’t afford to pay your way, he should arrange something like a romantic walk in the park with ice cream, a day at the beach or some other cheap or free activity. That kind of date can be very sweet and is far more romantic than taking you somewhere fancy where you have to foot the bill.
On the other hand, if YOU asked HIM out, it would make more sense for him not to feel obligated to shell out for the whole thing, and you should be prepared to pay.
The bill is on the table. Now what??
We realize not everyone feels comfortable sitting there expectantly when the check arrives, so here is how you handle it in the future.
If you are on your first or second date (or possibly the 3rd), just before the bill comes, excuse yourself to go to the bathroom. If it is still there when you return don’t even look at it. If he pushes the bill towards you, pay for yourself and then lose his number. If the bill comes while you are sitting there, just continue the discussion like normal, let him reach for it and deal with it, then sweetly say thank you (Guys HATE it when they pay and you don’t thank them for it) and trust that your company is enough for him to leave the date happy and hopefully ask you out again. Trust us, he won’t resent you because he paid for you. As the relationship progresses past the first couple of dates, you can start to chip in and pay for things where appropriate so he doesn't feel taken for granted.
One final note: Don’t even think about putting out just because he took you out. That is never a good reason and it will make him think you are cheap and lose respect for you. He will wonder if you sleep with every guy who buys you a burger. The longer you hold out, the more he will appreciate it when he finally gets it and the more he will value you.
What do you guys think?
LET THE DUDE PAY
It is in a man’s nature to enjoy the whole pursue and conquer thing. They like to woo you and eventually win you over. Having scored a date with your fabulousness, most men will also expect to pay for the date unless they are not that interested in you, or they are cheap. This has nothing to do with how much money you have or how you can support yourself, it is about basic pursue and conquer and making sure he realizes you know your worth.
The moment you whip out your wallet you risk sending the following messages:
I don’t think you can afford me.
I always pay my own way so if you’re cheap, I’m your lady!
You are the only date I’ve had recently and I don’t want you to feel obligated to pay for me. (i.e I don’t value myself that much)
It also automatically takes the romance out of the moment and makes the whole date feel very plutonic when either of you goes, “ok, so your half is $42.76…”
Having dated both men who pay and cheapskates who split the bill, or worse, made us pay for the whole thing, we’ve learned a few valuable lessons about this. Without fail, any guy that didn’t pay turned out to be a cheapskate to the core. On a second date, one guy invited me over to dinner, then proceeded to ask me to pay for 50% of the grocery bill. (!!!) And he was a Dentist. Imagine marrying that guy? “Honey, out of the 10 toilet paper rolls I bought this month, you used 6 of them so you owe me approximately…”
If he can’t afford to pay your way, he should arrange something like a romantic walk in the park with ice cream, a day at the beach or some other cheap or free activity. That kind of date can be very sweet and is far more romantic than taking you somewhere fancy where you have to foot the bill.
On the other hand, if YOU asked HIM out, it would make more sense for him not to feel obligated to shell out for the whole thing, and you should be prepared to pay.
The bill is on the table. Now what??
We realize not everyone feels comfortable sitting there expectantly when the check arrives, so here is how you handle it in the future.
If you are on your first or second date (or possibly the 3rd), just before the bill comes, excuse yourself to go to the bathroom. If it is still there when you return don’t even look at it. If he pushes the bill towards you, pay for yourself and then lose his number. If the bill comes while you are sitting there, just continue the discussion like normal, let him reach for it and deal with it, then sweetly say thank you (Guys HATE it when they pay and you don’t thank them for it) and trust that your company is enough for him to leave the date happy and hopefully ask you out again. Trust us, he won’t resent you because he paid for you. As the relationship progresses past the first couple of dates, you can start to chip in and pay for things where appropriate so he doesn't feel taken for granted.
One final note: Don’t even think about putting out just because he took you out. That is never a good reason and it will make him think you are cheap and lose respect for you. He will wonder if you sleep with every guy who buys you a burger. The longer you hold out, the more he will appreciate it when he finally gets it and the more he will value you.
What do you guys think?
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8 comments:
i'm so glad to see that my post prompted so much thought! you make some very good points. i think you might have mistaken some of my sarcasm for opinion, though. i'd never think i owe a guy sex simply because he bought me dinner! now a piece of jewellery or a new pair of shoes...that's a totally different story.
my thought is that it is great when a guy appreciates you enough to treat you to a special meal. yes, while i ALWAYS make the offer of paying (at least for myself), the truth is that if on that first date he took my money i would be pretty shocked. i just believe that a guy likes to feel you appreciate him as much as he appreciates you. there comes a time when you have to make more than the gesture of reaching into your bag, and actually pick up a meal for him sometimes, too!
as much as the guy loves the chase, i enjoy the chase too, and if treating him once in a while lets him know that i'm as into him as he is into me...it's a win-win situation. and everyone leaves with a full tummy!
Nadia, I think you raised an excellent topic.
I know this is something a lot of women worry about and when I saw your post I had to chime in with my 2 cents too. Love your blog by the way!
I did a post about it too without reading either of yours - but they both bring up great points!
I think chivalry isn't dead. Men should want to be gentleman, and if they don't know how to be true gentleman.... then they don't deserve you. In my opinion. :)
http://fabulouslybrokeinthecity.blogspot.com/2007/08/paying-for-first-date.html
hahaha... wish I read your article b4 I went on a date with this guy. Once I heard from a friend that this guy is interested in me. So, I initiate the first date coz I think he's kinda shy guy. so I was obligated to share the bill, since I was the one who's asking him to go for a dinner. We had a wonderful dinner, and talk, and love, but he never call me back... so,when it comes to first date, I guess there's no such thing like emantipation. BTW nice to meet u
I am a boy, and it is not my nature to enjoy the whole pursue and conquer bs. I want a girl that is a best friend and an equal, not be trapped within an ignorant and ill society that obsessively divides people based on gender and even race. Why should you be persecuted against just because of your gender? I would want a girl to like me too, and like me enought that she feels that it would be sweet to buy me something like dinner to spend time with me. Again, it should matter what gender you are, but instead you like the other person and share with them regardless of sociological predispositions which are oppressive and moronic.
There is definatly a fine line here, sure for the first few dates the guy should be picking everything up, but by date 4 or 5 the woman should at least offer or make a move for the check. Its important that the guy does not feel taken advantage of.
"How many other guys is she dating so she never has to buy her own food"
I have never seen so many excuses for a woman not paying her own bills. It's no wonder that men see marriage as such a raw deal (or are "afraid of commitment" as women like to say).
It's not about excuses for women not to pay it is about romance and allowing the man to be chivalrous. This doesn't mean the man should pay forever just the first date or so and then they can start sharing expenses. Sometimes she'll pay, sometimes he does.
The point is not to do everything 50-50. That just kills the romance.
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